Something that I have heard from several newlywed couples is how lucky they are, how much in love they are AND that are so glad that they’ve married their best friend. Of all the things that they could have said, starting together in the journey of marriage with your best friend is starting on the right track! It is vitally important for a marriage to be grounded in a deep and abiding friendship because even when you are having a disagreement, you know that the foundation of friendship is there.
Even if you think that having a good marriage is hard these days, the relationship expert John Gottman, PH.D, says the formula for a great marriage is simpler than you think. He says that the foundation is to “strengthen the friendship and trust that are at the heart of any marriage.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999, p. 51).
In speaking with a friend she shared some thoughts about that quote with me. She basically said that between friendship and trust, generally friendship comes more easily. It is the trust that takes time and patience and perseverance to develop. It is the trust between a husband and wife that is like the glue that holds a relationship together. When you trust someone completely, you know they will never consciously do anything to hurt you or abuse you. They will always have your best interest at heart. This trust is important when nerves are frayed, bodies are tired, and you are at the end of your rope. It is the trust that helps us overcome the annoyances we face each day with another imperfect person.
I know before I even thought about getting married, I was taught by youth leaders about friendship and dating. In high school, dating was the time to learn to have interactions with boys my age, how to have fun, talk, and get to know people. I was able to have such a great time and built great and easy friendships during that time. Fast forward to when I was in college and dating. Again, before I started to date (and date more seriously) I always started off with building that friendship. My date and I did activities that would allow us to engage in conversations and other discussions. We learned about likes and dislikes, hobbies, families, and activities that made life exciting and fun. We were able to share our feelings with each other and be honest if we no longer wanted to pursue the next step in our relationship. Above all else, we were friends and so we respected those thoughts and feelings coming from a friend. When I did meet, date, and court my future husband—we started with the type of friendship that set our marriage up for success. And now that I have been married to my best friend for almost 14 years, I can say that our love has grown because we were friends first!
What is does it mean to be friends in marriage?One of the first scriptures that comes to my mind is when the Savior said "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). When we know that we can depend on someone at this level, we have a friendship that belongs in marriage. We can trust, love, forgive, support, and uplift one another.
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