Loving Influence in Marriage

Have you ever had a disagreement with your husband/wife and you just knew that they were wrong? Even after pointing out every flaw in their argument, even after breaking it down and showing how ridiculous their side was with a 10-minute power point presentation? No matter what you said or did, they still wouldn’t change their mind? This can feel rather frustrating, for you and for them. I have been learning this week about forgiveness, humility, and accepting influence and learning how integral these principles are for marriages to be successful. When both spouses allow the other to influence them --especially when they disagree-- issues are worked out together. This isn’t to say you won’t have differences of opinion, disagreements, disputes, but it is saying that you how you handle one another can make all the difference.

It has been found that marriages are stronger when spouses allow their loved one to influence them. I thought of how this strongly relates to solving marital problems together. So often in a disagreement, we are so focused on who is right instead of what is right. We want so badly to "win" and have things done our way. Instead of listening to what our partner is saying, we try to shut them down, ignore anything they are trying to say, their point of view, or even listen to how they would solve the issue. This is the opposite of allowing our partner to influence us and doesn't really help solve a problem together. From "Drawing Heaven into Our Marriage" Goddard wrote "When we are in disagreement in a marriage, very often our focus is on persuading our partner that we are right... as we try to take from our partner her or his beliefs and preferences, we will get resistance and defensiveness." He then mentions the difference between dragging our spouse along and inviting them to be with us together. Just as we allow our spouse to help and influence us and us for them, a unity is created that allows two people to work together to solve problems, influence one another, and be stronger together. My favorite quote came when Goddard said, "As we choose to love and appreciate our partners in spite of our differences, we open the door to love" (p. 62). It is about having an attitude of love and being humble that allows that Savior to strengthen our marriage with our spouse. 

Big Changes and Adjusting to LIFE

I learned a very important lesson as a young newlywed about turning towards my husband, although I will say it wasn’t done intentionally on my part. We had just been married a month when our new life together officially began with our first long distance move away from everyone we knew for Ben to start medical school in Glendale, Arizona. This was the furthest distance I had been away from my parents since graduating from high school and attending university that was only six hours away. We loaded all of our earthly possessions into the back of our half-sized ’88 Nissan truck that Ben drove, and I followed behind him in the ’96 Ford Taurus my parents had gifted to us for our wedding. The drive stretched over the course of 2 days to make it to our first small apartment in the heat of the desert, a total drive time of nearly 14 hours!

After we carried our belongings and wedding gifts up the three flights of stairs and dumped them into our apartment (which wasn’t an easy thing in the 99 degree heat) we were both red and sweating profusely. Ben found a box with that had cups, filled two of them to overflowing with the luke warm water from the tap, and we sat down together on a box we made into a couch to cool down. Later, we walked to our room and spread out our wedding gift sleeping bags on the floor (we didn’t even have a mattress to sleep on) and laughed. It finally hit us. After the rush of the wedding, honeymoon, and carefree summer—this was OUR beginning.

It felt like our new life went from this... 

... to THIS! (LITERALLY)

Over the next few weeks of job searching and moving again, the stresses of school and real married life started to sink in. Looking back I can laugh, but I have to admit this was a transitional point for us. Of course we were happy together, but there were typical misunderstandings and conflicts that started with the two us trying to learn to become a new family. We were alone, separated from our previously support system of parents and siblings, but we had each other. Having the distance between us and our parents allowed us to truly lean on and support one another, to turn towards each other to discuss problems and work through them together. Even though that first year of medical school and being married wasn’t an easy one (or four), it was an important time for both of us to learn how to be together. I can also see how that time was especially important for us in growing stronger together, which has allowed us to be strong over time regardless of the distance between us and our extended family.

I read this week that “There is a deep connection between the hard things of life and the best things of life” (Covenant Hearts, p.66). I can absolutely say that our “hard” and difficult times allowed my husband and I to pull together, lean on one another, and help each other through. I know that I can always rely on him because of what we have been through 

Knowing Your Spouse and Maps

As I was reading in “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman, PH.D. I really enjoyed the chapter discussing what a love map is and why it is an important part of a marriage relationship. First of all, I love maps of cities! Almost everywhere we have traveled, we seem to grab a map so we can find our way around. Without a map we would wander hopelessly around and chances are we would get lost. I have also started collecting globes of the world because I love the way they look. If you walk into my home, you can find globes all over the place. There is just something about landmarks, oceans, and mountain ranges that I just love looking at. One of my favorite classes in high school that was World Geography. Over the course of the semester, we would look at maps of continents, learn the countries and capitals, oceans, rivers, and mountain ranges and we would take a test on those specific areas. For the final, we had to fill in the entire map of the world. At the beginning of the semester, the final seemed to be an enormous and impossible task—one that I was fairly confident that I would NOT be able to complete and pass. I was surprised that because we had learned specific areas and built upon what we knew each week, the final test was not as difficult as I thought it was going to be. The relationships we have with our spouses can be related to taking a class in world geography, only the class doesn’t end after the semester—we get to keep building and adding to our “love maps” over our lifetime (and beyond)!

Dr. Gottman explains that the love map is a term he uses for that part of our memory where we store all of the relevant information about our partner and their life. It includes their likes, their hopes, dreams, and even what fears and worries they have. It’s like having a map in a city that you have never been to before. The map you create about your spouse enables you to know them better and you can remember those things that you need to remember.  Over the chapter I found a few statements that solidified to me why having a love map is a good thing. He said “The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you” AND “the more profound and rewarding your relationship will be.”

But as Dr. Gottman explains, having a love map is only the beginning. Successful and happily married couples build on what they know about one another and add ways that draw them closer together. This is done through expressing and nurturing their fondness and admiration for one another. He tells us that fondness and admiration are the essential ingredients for creating a romantic relationship that we all want. The words honor, respect, and cherish flow from admiration and fondness fuels love, kindness, and charity toward one another.

Friendship and Trust in Marriage

Something that I have heard from several newlywed couples is how lucky they are, how much in love they are AND that are so glad that they’ve married their best friend. Of all the things that they could have said, starting together in the journey of marriage with your best friend is starting on the right track! It is vitally important for a marriage to be grounded in a deep and abiding friendship because even when you are having a disagreement, you know that the foundation of friendship is there.

Even if you think that having a good marriage is hard these days, the relationship expert John Gottman, PH.D, says the formula for a great marriage is simpler than you think. He says that the foundation is to “strengthen the friendship and trust that are at the heart of any marriage.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999, p. 51).

In speaking with a friend she shared some thoughts about that quote with me. She basically said that between friendship and trust, generally friendship comes more easily. It is the trust that takes time and patience and perseverance to develop. It is the trust between a husband and wife that is like the glue that holds a relationship together.  When you trust someone completely, you know they will never consciously do anything to hurt you or abuse you.  They will always have your best interest at heart.  This trust is important when nerves are frayed, bodies are tired, and you are at the end of your rope. It is the trust that helps us overcome the annoyances we face each day with another imperfect person.  

 

I know before I even thought about getting married, I was taught by youth leaders about friendship and dating. In high school, dating was the time to learn to have interactions with boys my age, how to have fun, talk, and get to know people. I was able to have such a great time and built great and easy friendships during that time. Fast forward to when I was in college and dating. Again, before I started to date (and date more seriously) I always started off with building that friendship. My date and I did activities that would allow us to engage in conversations and other discussions. We learned about likes and dislikes, hobbies, families, and activities that made life exciting and fun. We were able to share our feelings with each other and be honest if we no longer wanted to pursue the next step in our relationship. Above all else, we were friends and so we respected those thoughts and feelings coming from a friend. When I did meet, date, and court my future husband—we started with the type of friendship that set our marriage up for success. And now that I have been married to my best friend for almost 14 years, I can say that our love has grown because we were friends first!

What is does it mean to be friends in marriage?One of the first scriptures that comes to my mind is  when the Savior said "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). When we know that we can depend on someone at this level, we have a friendship that belongs in marriage. We can trust, love, forgive, support, and uplift one another.

Overcoming Selfishness in Marriage

You don’t have to look far to see how selfishness is running rampant in the world today. It reaches as far as the global economy with one country seeking the betterment of itself over another, and can be as close to home when one child takes the biggest slice of dessert from a sibling. One of the greatest challenges that is faced in marriage is overcoming the natural tendency of focusing only on yourself.  As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught in a BYU devotional “We are taught that true love “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). These are all a beautiful description of Christ’s love—He is the greatest example of one who bore and believed and hoped and endured. We are invited to do the same in our courtship and in our marriage to the best of our ability. Bear up and be strong. Be hopeful and believing.” He also said that “True love blooms when we care more about another person than we care about ourselves.” (“How Do I Love Thee?” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Feb. 2000)

That is the beauty of being married! We are developing that true love that he mentioned when we focus on the needs of our spouse above our own. Also, as we learn and practice controlling the inclination to think only of ourselves, we can have the true love that was personified by Christ. The Savior taught many lessons about loving others, even in difficult circumstances. As we do work on that true Christ-like love we are becoming better people—better individuals, people, and spouses! Marriage is designed to make a man and a women better than they could be by themselves. It is continuous effort to achieve this, some would even call it work, but the rewards are immeasurable!

One other point that has resonated with me is that “righteous marriage is a commandment and an essential step in the process of creating a loving family relationship” (Bednar, 2006). He spoke about the unique differences in men and women actually complement and complete the other, in their marriage, and also in their efforts to draw closer to the Lord. A man and a woman are to progress together! I really love this amazing talk "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan" There so much I can learn and be reminded of what marriage- a covenant marriage- is supposed to be!

I was interested when I read about the differences between a contractual versus a covenant marriage as found in Covenant Marriage by Elder Bruce C. Hafen. He shares that in a contractual marriage, individuals agree that as long as the relationship is mutually beneficial to them both they can stay together. There are separations/limits, prenuptial agreements, and other boundaries that restrict a couple from becoming completely united. When difficulties arise, or one side is taking more than their share, they see their contract is no longer viable and so they separate. There is a difference between a marriage that is based on a contract and one that is based on covenants. A covenant marriage is one where partners give 100% to one another, they are bound by sacred promises to love one another. They share, give, encourage, unite, grow and work together. There are sacrifices made, but with the mutual goals the married couple is stronger together. A covenant marriage is one that is meant to be eternal!

The Standard of Marriage

What I have learned from the articles that I read from class stated that marriage provides the foundation and security for families, spouses, and children—especially children. The strength of our society is highly influenced and correlated by the strength of individual families. With that said, we can already see that despite efforts from various groups of peoples and government programs to strengthen these structures-- families, children, and marriages have been under attack. The strategies that are used seem small at first, maybe we don't really notice in the beginning-- or at least we pretend not to. As I read several articles about the departure of traditional marriage and the attempts and “success” to formalize other relationships, I felt several emotions. For me, the Supreme Court ruling in June 2015 brought a sense of upheaval, not to my own definition of marriage and family, but what will be perpetuated and accepted by fellow citizens in my country. What is played and portrayed in movies, television, and advertisements have sent certain types of messages that can and will change the views of how the rising generation will view the God-given sense of morality in society. What will be taught in public schools will be changed, how people exercise their freedom of religion can and will be under attack, and many other harmful effects that will surface in these uncharted waters of this changing era. We really don’t know or realize the ramifications that will occur yet because of these decisions in our society, but in time we will see.

"Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. . . .

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." (THE FAMILY: A Proclamation to the World, 1995).

No matter what else is written or said, this reaffirmation of values and commandments found in THE FAMILY Proclamation from God makes it perfectly clear the purpose of marriages and families and that God has established clear standards of morality for His children. While the simple statement from Proclamation says “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity” (THE FAMILY, 1995),  the research done in family studies shows this to be true. The ideal environment for raising children is in a home with a husband and wife who love and care for each other and their children. The complementary differences of male-female marriage is also important for a child’s development.  From “The Divine Institution of Marriage” I read-- “The burden of social science evidence supports the idea that gender differentiated parenting is important for human development and that the contribution of fathers to child rearing is unique and irreplaceable. . . . The complementary of male and female parenting styles is striking and of enormous importance to a child’s overall development (David Popenoe, Life Without Father (New York: The Free Press, 1996), 146.

In closing, I would like to share a particular quote that stood out to me. It read:

 “Marriage is more than a mere “word” or “piece of paper.” It is the oldest social institution in the world; it is literally a pre-legal, pre-state institution. Thus, merely calling the union of two men or two women a marriage does not make it so. In other words, marriage is not merely a positivist creation, but a fundamental human relationship deeply imbedded and essentially defined in human nature and history” (Wardle, L.D., 2008). 

What Does MARRIAGE mean?

Why does MARRIAGE matter?

Websters Dictionary defines MARRIAGE as: (noun) a ​legally ​accepted ​relationship between a man and a woman in which they ​live as ​husband and ​wife, or the ​official ​ceremony.

Like many of you, the meaning of marriage for me comes from what I have personally seen from examples in my family, what I have learned from a Judaeo-Christian gospel perspective, and also from what I have experienced in my life. Taking classes, observation of family members, and 13 years of “on-the-job-training” in my own marriage to my wonderful husband have given me a good foundation of knowledge, but I know there is much more that I can learn. I hope that I can delve into and support why marriage matters and what it means. I suppose that if asked, my definition would be similar to Websters Dictionary (but with more). I would say that a marriage represents the commitment between two people who promise and covenant to work, strengthen, and build a relationship that is to be long-lasting or eternal. A marriage included thinking of your spouse before yourself. There is sacrifice, giving, changing, and growing together... and marriage matters! 

Why should we care?  As found in The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012; The National Marriage Project it states 

"Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times." 

For many "marriage traditionalists",  marriage is a holy covenant before God. In the Jewish custom, God's people signed a written agreement at the time of the marriage to seal the covenant. The marriage ceremony with family and friends and members of the community is then meant be a public demonstration of a couple's commitment to a covenant relationship. It's not the "ceremony" that's important in a marriage, it's the couple's covenant commitment before God and men.

That quote has really given me something to think about in my quest to find out why marriage matters. The most interesting point being the community involvement of the covenant and commitment would provide much needed strength to the couple in their relationship. I am not sure there is the community involvement in many parts of our world today. It seems a sad thing in the transient (connected- but not) world that many of us are a part of. What can we do about that?

What makes a MARRIAGE work? I have seen variables that have occurred that have a powerful influence to strengthen (or in the same sense—weaken), a marriage relationship—the building blocks to make that relationship strong are essential. These building blocks include: devotion, expressing gratitude, forgiveness, unity, and love. Continuing to build and support one another in a marriage relationship to also a key to success.

It is also important to note that there is plenty of evidence that good (stable and thriving) marriages are crucial for the overall well-being of adults. What is even more important is that those stable and thriving marriages are crucial for the overall well-being of children. It is a very critical and crucial relationship that marriages play for individuals, families, children, and society that emphasizes why marriage matters!