Overcoming Selfishness in Marriage

You don’t have to look far to see how selfishness is running rampant in the world today. It reaches as far as the global economy with one country seeking the betterment of itself over another, and can be as close to home when one child takes the biggest slice of dessert from a sibling. One of the greatest challenges that is faced in marriage is overcoming the natural tendency of focusing only on yourself.  As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught in a BYU devotional “We are taught that true love “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). These are all a beautiful description of Christ’s love—He is the greatest example of one who bore and believed and hoped and endured. We are invited to do the same in our courtship and in our marriage to the best of our ability. Bear up and be strong. Be hopeful and believing.” He also said that “True love blooms when we care more about another person than we care about ourselves.” (“How Do I Love Thee?” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Feb. 2000)

That is the beauty of being married! We are developing that true love that he mentioned when we focus on the needs of our spouse above our own. Also, as we learn and practice controlling the inclination to think only of ourselves, we can have the true love that was personified by Christ. The Savior taught many lessons about loving others, even in difficult circumstances. As we do work on that true Christ-like love we are becoming better people—better individuals, people, and spouses! Marriage is designed to make a man and a women better than they could be by themselves. It is continuous effort to achieve this, some would even call it work, but the rewards are immeasurable!

One other point that has resonated with me is that “righteous marriage is a commandment and an essential step in the process of creating a loving family relationship” (Bednar, 2006). He spoke about the unique differences in men and women actually complement and complete the other, in their marriage, and also in their efforts to draw closer to the Lord. A man and a woman are to progress together! I really love this amazing talk "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan" There so much I can learn and be reminded of what marriage- a covenant marriage- is supposed to be!

I was interested when I read about the differences between a contractual versus a covenant marriage as found in Covenant Marriage by Elder Bruce C. Hafen. He shares that in a contractual marriage, individuals agree that as long as the relationship is mutually beneficial to them both they can stay together. There are separations/limits, prenuptial agreements, and other boundaries that restrict a couple from becoming completely united. When difficulties arise, or one side is taking more than their share, they see their contract is no longer viable and so they separate. There is a difference between a marriage that is based on a contract and one that is based on covenants. A covenant marriage is one where partners give 100% to one another, they are bound by sacred promises to love one another. They share, give, encourage, unite, grow and work together. There are sacrifices made, but with the mutual goals the married couple is stronger together. A covenant marriage is one that is meant to be eternal!

The Standard of Marriage

What I have learned from the articles that I read from class stated that marriage provides the foundation and security for families, spouses, and children—especially children. The strength of our society is highly influenced and correlated by the strength of individual families. With that said, we can already see that despite efforts from various groups of peoples and government programs to strengthen these structures-- families, children, and marriages have been under attack. The strategies that are used seem small at first, maybe we don't really notice in the beginning-- or at least we pretend not to. As I read several articles about the departure of traditional marriage and the attempts and “success” to formalize other relationships, I felt several emotions. For me, the Supreme Court ruling in June 2015 brought a sense of upheaval, not to my own definition of marriage and family, but what will be perpetuated and accepted by fellow citizens in my country. What is played and portrayed in movies, television, and advertisements have sent certain types of messages that can and will change the views of how the rising generation will view the God-given sense of morality in society. What will be taught in public schools will be changed, how people exercise their freedom of religion can and will be under attack, and many other harmful effects that will surface in these uncharted waters of this changing era. We really don’t know or realize the ramifications that will occur yet because of these decisions in our society, but in time we will see.

"Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. . . .

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." (THE FAMILY: A Proclamation to the World, 1995).

No matter what else is written or said, this reaffirmation of values and commandments found in THE FAMILY Proclamation from God makes it perfectly clear the purpose of marriages and families and that God has established clear standards of morality for His children. While the simple statement from Proclamation says “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity” (THE FAMILY, 1995),  the research done in family studies shows this to be true. The ideal environment for raising children is in a home with a husband and wife who love and care for each other and their children. The complementary differences of male-female marriage is also important for a child’s development.  From “The Divine Institution of Marriage” I read-- “The burden of social science evidence supports the idea that gender differentiated parenting is important for human development and that the contribution of fathers to child rearing is unique and irreplaceable. . . . The complementary of male and female parenting styles is striking and of enormous importance to a child’s overall development (David Popenoe, Life Without Father (New York: The Free Press, 1996), 146.

In closing, I would like to share a particular quote that stood out to me. It read:

 “Marriage is more than a mere “word” or “piece of paper.” It is the oldest social institution in the world; it is literally a pre-legal, pre-state institution. Thus, merely calling the union of two men or two women a marriage does not make it so. In other words, marriage is not merely a positivist creation, but a fundamental human relationship deeply imbedded and essentially defined in human nature and history” (Wardle, L.D., 2008). 

What Does MARRIAGE mean?

Why does MARRIAGE matter?

Websters Dictionary defines MARRIAGE as: (noun) a ​legally ​accepted ​relationship between a man and a woman in which they ​live as ​husband and ​wife, or the ​official ​ceremony.

Like many of you, the meaning of marriage for me comes from what I have personally seen from examples in my family, what I have learned from a Judaeo-Christian gospel perspective, and also from what I have experienced in my life. Taking classes, observation of family members, and 13 years of “on-the-job-training” in my own marriage to my wonderful husband have given me a good foundation of knowledge, but I know there is much more that I can learn. I hope that I can delve into and support why marriage matters and what it means. I suppose that if asked, my definition would be similar to Websters Dictionary (but with more). I would say that a marriage represents the commitment between two people who promise and covenant to work, strengthen, and build a relationship that is to be long-lasting or eternal. A marriage included thinking of your spouse before yourself. There is sacrifice, giving, changing, and growing together... and marriage matters! 

Why should we care?  As found in The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012; The National Marriage Project it states 

"Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times." 

For many "marriage traditionalists",  marriage is a holy covenant before God. In the Jewish custom, God's people signed a written agreement at the time of the marriage to seal the covenant. The marriage ceremony with family and friends and members of the community is then meant be a public demonstration of a couple's commitment to a covenant relationship. It's not the "ceremony" that's important in a marriage, it's the couple's covenant commitment before God and men.

That quote has really given me something to think about in my quest to find out why marriage matters. The most interesting point being the community involvement of the covenant and commitment would provide much needed strength to the couple in their relationship. I am not sure there is the community involvement in many parts of our world today. It seems a sad thing in the transient (connected- but not) world that many of us are a part of. What can we do about that?

What makes a MARRIAGE work? I have seen variables that have occurred that have a powerful influence to strengthen (or in the same sense—weaken), a marriage relationship—the building blocks to make that relationship strong are essential. These building blocks include: devotion, expressing gratitude, forgiveness, unity, and love. Continuing to build and support one another in a marriage relationship to also a key to success.

It is also important to note that there is plenty of evidence that good (stable and thriving) marriages are crucial for the overall well-being of adults. What is even more important is that those stable and thriving marriages are crucial for the overall well-being of children. It is a very critical and crucial relationship that marriages play for individuals, families, children, and society that emphasizes why marriage matters!