Loving Influence in Marriage

Have you ever had a disagreement with your husband/wife and you just knew that they were wrong? Even after pointing out every flaw in their argument, even after breaking it down and showing how ridiculous their side was with a 10-minute power point presentation? No matter what you said or did, they still wouldn’t change their mind? This can feel rather frustrating, for you and for them. I have been learning this week about forgiveness, humility, and accepting influence and learning how integral these principles are for marriages to be successful. When both spouses allow the other to influence them --especially when they disagree-- issues are worked out together. This isn’t to say you won’t have differences of opinion, disagreements, disputes, but it is saying that you how you handle one another can make all the difference.

It has been found that marriages are stronger when spouses allow their loved one to influence them. I thought of how this strongly relates to solving marital problems together. So often in a disagreement, we are so focused on who is right instead of what is right. We want so badly to "win" and have things done our way. Instead of listening to what our partner is saying, we try to shut them down, ignore anything they are trying to say, their point of view, or even listen to how they would solve the issue. This is the opposite of allowing our partner to influence us and doesn't really help solve a problem together. From "Drawing Heaven into Our Marriage" Goddard wrote "When we are in disagreement in a marriage, very often our focus is on persuading our partner that we are right... as we try to take from our partner her or his beliefs and preferences, we will get resistance and defensiveness." He then mentions the difference between dragging our spouse along and inviting them to be with us together. Just as we allow our spouse to help and influence us and us for them, a unity is created that allows two people to work together to solve problems, influence one another, and be stronger together. My favorite quote came when Goddard said, "As we choose to love and appreciate our partners in spite of our differences, we open the door to love" (p. 62). It is about having an attitude of love and being humble that allows that Savior to strengthen our marriage with our spouse. 

Big Changes and Adjusting to LIFE

I learned a very important lesson as a young newlywed about turning towards my husband, although I will say it wasn’t done intentionally on my part. We had just been married a month when our new life together officially began with our first long distance move away from everyone we knew for Ben to start medical school in Glendale, Arizona. This was the furthest distance I had been away from my parents since graduating from high school and attending university that was only six hours away. We loaded all of our earthly possessions into the back of our half-sized ’88 Nissan truck that Ben drove, and I followed behind him in the ’96 Ford Taurus my parents had gifted to us for our wedding. The drive stretched over the course of 2 days to make it to our first small apartment in the heat of the desert, a total drive time of nearly 14 hours!

After we carried our belongings and wedding gifts up the three flights of stairs and dumped them into our apartment (which wasn’t an easy thing in the 99 degree heat) we were both red and sweating profusely. Ben found a box with that had cups, filled two of them to overflowing with the luke warm water from the tap, and we sat down together on a box we made into a couch to cool down. Later, we walked to our room and spread out our wedding gift sleeping bags on the floor (we didn’t even have a mattress to sleep on) and laughed. It finally hit us. After the rush of the wedding, honeymoon, and carefree summer—this was OUR beginning.

It felt like our new life went from this... 

... to THIS! (LITERALLY)

Over the next few weeks of job searching and moving again, the stresses of school and real married life started to sink in. Looking back I can laugh, but I have to admit this was a transitional point for us. Of course we were happy together, but there were typical misunderstandings and conflicts that started with the two us trying to learn to become a new family. We were alone, separated from our previously support system of parents and siblings, but we had each other. Having the distance between us and our parents allowed us to truly lean on and support one another, to turn towards each other to discuss problems and work through them together. Even though that first year of medical school and being married wasn’t an easy one (or four), it was an important time for both of us to learn how to be together. I can also see how that time was especially important for us in growing stronger together, which has allowed us to be strong over time regardless of the distance between us and our extended family.

I read this week that “There is a deep connection between the hard things of life and the best things of life” (Covenant Hearts, p.66). I can absolutely say that our “hard” and difficult times allowed my husband and I to pull together, lean on one another, and help each other through. I know that I can always rely on him because of what we have been through 

Knowing Your Spouse and Maps

As I was reading in “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman, PH.D. I really enjoyed the chapter discussing what a love map is and why it is an important part of a marriage relationship. First of all, I love maps of cities! Almost everywhere we have traveled, we seem to grab a map so we can find our way around. Without a map we would wander hopelessly around and chances are we would get lost. I have also started collecting globes of the world because I love the way they look. If you walk into my home, you can find globes all over the place. There is just something about landmarks, oceans, and mountain ranges that I just love looking at. One of my favorite classes in high school that was World Geography. Over the course of the semester, we would look at maps of continents, learn the countries and capitals, oceans, rivers, and mountain ranges and we would take a test on those specific areas. For the final, we had to fill in the entire map of the world. At the beginning of the semester, the final seemed to be an enormous and impossible task—one that I was fairly confident that I would NOT be able to complete and pass. I was surprised that because we had learned specific areas and built upon what we knew each week, the final test was not as difficult as I thought it was going to be. The relationships we have with our spouses can be related to taking a class in world geography, only the class doesn’t end after the semester—we get to keep building and adding to our “love maps” over our lifetime (and beyond)!

Dr. Gottman explains that the love map is a term he uses for that part of our memory where we store all of the relevant information about our partner and their life. It includes their likes, their hopes, dreams, and even what fears and worries they have. It’s like having a map in a city that you have never been to before. The map you create about your spouse enables you to know them better and you can remember those things that you need to remember.  Over the chapter I found a few statements that solidified to me why having a love map is a good thing. He said “The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you” AND “the more profound and rewarding your relationship will be.”

But as Dr. Gottman explains, having a love map is only the beginning. Successful and happily married couples build on what they know about one another and add ways that draw them closer together. This is done through expressing and nurturing their fondness and admiration for one another. He tells us that fondness and admiration are the essential ingredients for creating a romantic relationship that we all want. The words honor, respect, and cherish flow from admiration and fondness fuels love, kindness, and charity toward one another.

Friendship and Trust in Marriage

Something that I have heard from several newlywed couples is how lucky they are, how much in love they are AND that are so glad that they’ve married their best friend. Of all the things that they could have said, starting together in the journey of marriage with your best friend is starting on the right track! It is vitally important for a marriage to be grounded in a deep and abiding friendship because even when you are having a disagreement, you know that the foundation of friendship is there.

Even if you think that having a good marriage is hard these days, the relationship expert John Gottman, PH.D, says the formula for a great marriage is simpler than you think. He says that the foundation is to “strengthen the friendship and trust that are at the heart of any marriage.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999, p. 51).

In speaking with a friend she shared some thoughts about that quote with me. She basically said that between friendship and trust, generally friendship comes more easily. It is the trust that takes time and patience and perseverance to develop. It is the trust between a husband and wife that is like the glue that holds a relationship together.  When you trust someone completely, you know they will never consciously do anything to hurt you or abuse you.  They will always have your best interest at heart.  This trust is important when nerves are frayed, bodies are tired, and you are at the end of your rope. It is the trust that helps us overcome the annoyances we face each day with another imperfect person.  

 

I know before I even thought about getting married, I was taught by youth leaders about friendship and dating. In high school, dating was the time to learn to have interactions with boys my age, how to have fun, talk, and get to know people. I was able to have such a great time and built great and easy friendships during that time. Fast forward to when I was in college and dating. Again, before I started to date (and date more seriously) I always started off with building that friendship. My date and I did activities that would allow us to engage in conversations and other discussions. We learned about likes and dislikes, hobbies, families, and activities that made life exciting and fun. We were able to share our feelings with each other and be honest if we no longer wanted to pursue the next step in our relationship. Above all else, we were friends and so we respected those thoughts and feelings coming from a friend. When I did meet, date, and court my future husband—we started with the type of friendship that set our marriage up for success. And now that I have been married to my best friend for almost 14 years, I can say that our love has grown because we were friends first!

What is does it mean to be friends in marriage?One of the first scriptures that comes to my mind is  when the Savior said "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). When we know that we can depend on someone at this level, we have a friendship that belongs in marriage. We can trust, love, forgive, support, and uplift one another.