I have been quite surprised by the amount of reflection and learning that I have made in studying more about marriage and the difference it has made in my own life. From John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he shares over 25 years of expertise and the keys of what he has discovered that help marriages to be fulfilling and long lasting—or what makes them crumble and fall. In his book he has compiled together his research from studying couples in his “love lab” to define what sort of habits, problem solving skills, and how couples communicate with each other—for good and for bad. He has found it is more than what couples do in their marriage, it is how each of them choose to love the other-- how they reach out to one another, support, defend, and uplift each other. I can see in my own marriage how the exercises he teaches help to strengthen and build the friendship that I enjoy so much with my husband. He is my closest friend and confidant—he supports and loves me in spite of my many faults and frailties. Our friendship is that foundation that helps us as husband and wife to understand and know each other better. As we draw closer to one another, even if we disagree, we know that our friendship is stronger than any problem we may experience. Overall, I’ve learned from reading this book that it is the little things I do that will add up to make a big difference in my marriage. My time, thoughts, emotions, and actions are interrelated when it comes to how I think about my spouse, any problems we face together, and how we can work through them together.
As I was thinking about Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, author H. Wallace Goddard shares the gospel perspective on what God has intended marriages to be. While it is true that many marriage experts teach that lessons of communication and problems solving skills can help marital problems, Goddard shares that “the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person” (p.15)
and “The only way to build a truly healthy marriage is by being a truly good person.”(p.133)
Throughout his book Goddard shares many wonderful insights and lessons from the scriptures that we can apply to marriages. One of the first things that he shares is that “God designed marriage to help us to grow spiritually” (p. 142). This is absolutely true! What better place for us to learn spiritual lessons such as faith, forgiveness, and humility than in marriage? Goddard shares how to best strengthen our relationship with the Lord as a partner, how to overcome issues and applying forgiveness, praying and removing negative influences such as pride, and turning your heart over to God. It is through our closest relationship with our spouse that we can learn and develop more Christ-like attributes. Goddard also shared that “Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us” (p. 134). Just as an athlete in training completes exercises, drills, and is constantly pushing themselves to become better—so can we as we apply those same lessons as we stretch to be more patient, loving, and thoughtful to our spouse. Constantly working to become better as a person and in our relationship will be worth it.
A favorite quote that I read this week from Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage especially illustrates what it means to turn our focus in marriage into an eternal perspective. President Ezra Taft Benson once said
“Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their soul, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life.”
This is what God has intended marriages to be. As we turn toward Him, rely on His grace despite our weaknesses (and weaknesses of others), He can make our lives and our marriages more than what we can do on our own.
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