Problems Solving in Marriage

I remember reading this week that when we get married we inherit from our partner a set of problems—it’s a package deal. The trick is finding (and realizing) the set of quirks are ones you can deal with. From the book After the Honeymoon by Dan Wile we read “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.” Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it sounds!

According to John Gottman, 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual, meaning they are found to be the same issues that couples discuss year after year with no solution in sight! They appear to be immovable and continuous! These issues can be related to whether the couple wants to have children, how housework is divided and done, religious practices and observances, and also how they choose to discipline their children.  Stable marriages choose to work on these issues by talking it out so they don’t feel overwhelmed by them, and that is a good thing. Even if these couples don’t solve their problems overnight, what matters is how they approach the issues at hand. Also, a key to being able to deal with these “problems” is to understand that no one is completely perfect. Elder Robert D. Hales emphasized this so well when he said “none of us marry perfection; we marry potential. The right marriage is not only about what I want; it’s also about what my companion—wants and needs me to be.” (Meeting the Challenges of Today’s World, October 2015)

Whether a problem is solvable or perpetual, there are several underlying keys to successfully addressing these types of conflict. These techniques are great to keep in mind when a couple is facing and handling their marital problems together. The first is to understand that negative emotions are important.  This can be hard to do, especially if these negative emotions are directed at you, but can bring about a better understanding and skill as partners learn to express emotion without attacking the other. The second thing to remember is that no one is absolutely right in a marital conflict. Just like when you ask 10 different people how to solve a complicated problem, you will most likely get 10 different opinions on how to get the job done. You will always have two perspectives and opinions when solving conflicts together. Third, it is key to focus on being accepting of your spouse for who they are—emotions and all. The point was made that children are much more receptive to change when their emotions are acknowledge and validated.  We can remember the same technique with our spouse. Finally, when working on conflicts together, it is wise to focus on your admiration and fondness for one another. Loving your spouse and remembering how special they are in your life can help to blend the faults that we can see so easily.  Remember the old saying: Keep your eyes wide open during courtship and half-closed after the wedding. Sometimes those things our spouse does that really bother us, don’t need to bother us after all!